This is nothing more than a rough draft.
So I take it things didn’t go so well in the bedroom? Did it all go downhill after that? Of course it went downhill after that, there was no other course for it to go but downhill after that. Okay, whatever the reason, she’s dead now, and there’s no taking that back. You’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life. Are you prepared to do that? No? Well, you probably should have thought about that before the hornet’s nest. The good news is that you didn’t literally leave too much of a mess, the bad news is that, holy shit, you figuratively left a huge mess to clean up. I mean, disposing a body? Where do you even begin with a process like that?
Temporarily storing the body. It’s going to take a while to gather all of the supplies to properly dispose of the body, so for now you’re going to have to store the body somewhere that will both keep the body as fresh as possible and hide it in plain sight. She laughed when you came home with the chest freezer, laughed at the notion that you’ll ever need to store that much meat; but the joke is on her, because now you have one hundred and forty-five pounds of Grade-A Bitch looking for a home. I’d say toss ‘er in before she spoils, but we both know her parents did that years ago.
Seriously, though, put the body in the freezer.
Gathering the materials. Shovel, rug, gloves; basic, rudimentary things most people have in their homes. So why go through all of the trouble of storing the body in the chest freezer? Because, unlike stable homeowners, or even just average human beings, you don’t own any of those items. You can’t just run out to the store and purchase them, either – you’re broke. Credit card? You know that it’s maxed out, you’re only fooling yourself. Simply bide your time until your next paycheck; no, not the one this Friday, that’s going to rent and bills, I mean the one after that.
*CAUTION* You’re going to want to buy quicklime. Don’t say I’m wrong, because I’m not. You might not have known it was called quicklime, but the entire time you’ve been reading the materials section a voice in the back of your head was whispering, “what about that…that stuff they always use in the movies?” We’ve already been over this, but it’s called quicklime, and you absolutely do not want to use that while disposing the body. While doing a fantastic job of covering odors, quicklime has a tendency to also do a fantastic job of preserving the body, quite the opposite effect of what we’re trying to achieve.
Break into your neighbors garage. Patience is a virtue, and virtues are definitely something you could use, but right about now you’ve got a bigger issue to deal with: the long list of missed calls from her parents on her cell phone. How did you forget that it was her father’s birthday tomorrow and that they were coming down to visit? You don’t have time to sit around and wait for your next check to come, you have to act now. You’ve got a narrow time-frame from when your neighbor leaves for his graveyard shift and when his wife makes a cuckold out of him with Gary from across the street. Go into his unlocked garage and steal the necessary tools. It would also be wise to steal a few extra things, just to throw them off your scent. Make sure they are non-body disposal related, such as: the cold twelve-pack in the fridge, a can of paint, a rake, and his Geiger counter.
Dump the can of paint on Gary’s car. Gary’s a dick.
Map your route. First instinct is to go up north somewhere, but right off the bat it’s a bad idea – you have family up there, that’s a connection just waiting to be made. No, instead you’re going to want to head south, somewhere that crosses into another state but without going too far from home. Rockton, Illinois should do just nicely, there is a nice wooded area that looks to be just secluded enough for you to get away with this fiendishly clever plan.
Form an alibi. You were with Steve the entire night. Chances are he was pretty drunk at the time, as far as he is concerned you probably were with him. Just ride with it. There’s no real reason to fill him in with any unnecessary details. He’s already an accessory to murder, do you really want to be a Debbie-downer and kill his buzz? Haven’t you done enough killing?
Hit the road. The Hononegah Forest Preserve is less than an hour away, which will be nice for your desperately-in-need-of-an-oil-change car. You’re going to want to head towards the mall, so…do that. Oh, now’s also a good time to mention that, even though it was never specifically stated, you probably want to have put the necessary tools in the car. Oh, and also the body. Definitely the body. Just throw it in the trunk, it won’t mind. Heading in the direction of the mall, you’ll want to get on I-39S/I-90E when you see the sign. Take the Rockton Rd exit, and just follow the signs. While driving, you might want to start cracking open them beers and get to drinking, because the last thing you’re going to want to be is sober for this next part.
Burying the body. On second thought, getting drunk before digging a six-foot-deep grave might not have been the wisest decision. However, the glass is half-full, and the silver lining here is that you’ve at least discovered another time when it is socially acceptable to drink alone – when burying a loved one that you have personally murdered.
Fuck it. Shoveling is really hard, y’know? And in all of the fun and excitement of another zany adventure, you forgot to eat dinner. So now the beer has hit you twice as hard, and this whole game of hide-and-seek is starting to get really boring. Who even goes out in the woods, anyways? No one, that’s who. At least, no one worth listening to. There’s no need to finish digging the grave, no one’s ever going to find her body, just…leave it. You’ve got a new adventure ahead of you in the form of avoiding main roads to prevent getting a DUI!
Get a passport. So you woke up to find out the body was discovered two hours ago. Big deal. Wednesdays were never really your day, anyways. Unfortunately, this guide only covers body disposal, how to get passports is another guide altogether, but we don’t have time because chances are good the police are already on their way. All you can do now is get in your car and drive as far away as you can. And I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. But it’s up to you now. Your life could depend on this. Don’t blink, don’t even blink. Blink and you’re dead. They are fast, faster than you can believe. Don’t turn your back, don’t turn away, and don’t blink.