Because Why Not?

A How-To Guide: Disposing the Body

This is nothing more than a rough draft.

So I take it things didn’t go so well in the bedroom? Did it all go downhill after that? Of course it went downhill after that, there was no other course for it to go but downhill after that. Okay, whatever the reason, she’s dead now, and there’s no taking that back. You’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life. Are you prepared to do that? No? Well, you probably should have thought about that before the hornet’s nest. The good news is that you didn’t literally leave too much of a mess, the bad news is that, holy shit, you figuratively left a huge mess to clean up. I mean, disposing a body? Where do you even begin with a process like that?

Temporarily storing the body. It’s going to take a while to gather all of the supplies to properly dispose of the body, so for now you’re going to have to store the body somewhere that will both keep the body as fresh as possible and hide it in plain sight. She laughed when you came home with the chest freezer, laughed at the notion that you’ll ever need to store that much meat; but the joke is on her, because now you have one hundred and forty-five pounds of Grade-A Bitch looking for a home. I’d say toss ‘er in before she spoils, but we both know her parents did that years ago.

Seriously, though, put the body in the freezer.

Gathering the materials. Shovel, rug, gloves; basic, rudimentary things most people have in their homes. So why go through all of the trouble of storing the body in the chest freezer? Because, unlike stable homeowners, or even just average human beings, you don’t own any of those items. You can’t just run out to the store and purchase them, either – you’re broke. Credit card? You know that it’s maxed out, you’re only fooling yourself. Simply bide your time until your next paycheck; no, not the one this Friday, that’s going to rent and bills, I mean the one after that.

*CAUTION* You’re going to want to buy quicklime. Don’t say I’m wrong, because I’m not. You might not have known it was called quicklime, but the entire time you’ve been reading the materials section a voice in the back of your head was whispering, “what about that…that stuff they always use in the movies?” We’ve already been over this, but it’s called quicklime, and you absolutely do not want to use that while disposing the body. While doing a fantastic job of covering odors, quicklime has a tendency to also do a fantastic job of preserving the body, quite the opposite effect of what we’re trying to achieve.

Break into your neighbors garage. Patience is a virtue, and virtues are definitely something you could use, but right about now you’ve got a bigger issue to deal with: the long list of missed calls from her parents on her cell phone. How did you forget that it was her father’s birthday tomorrow and that they were coming down to visit? You don’t have time to sit around and wait for your next check to come, you have to act now. You’ve got a narrow time-frame from when your neighbor leaves for his graveyard shift and when his wife makes a cuckold out of him with Gary from across the street. Go into his unlocked garage and steal the necessary tools. It would also be wise to steal a few extra things, just to throw them off your scent. Make sure they are non-body disposal related, such as: the cold twelve-pack in the fridge, a can of paint, a rake, and his Geiger counter.

Dump the can of paint on Gary’s car. Gary’s a dick.

Map your route. First instinct is to go up north somewhere, but right off the bat it’s a bad idea – you have family up there, that’s a connection just waiting to be made. No, instead you’re going to want to head south, somewhere that crosses into another state but without going too far from home. Rockton, Illinois should do just nicely, there is a nice wooded area that looks to be just secluded enough for you to get away with this fiendishly clever plan.

Form an alibi. You were with Steve the entire night. Chances are he was pretty drunk at the time, as far as he is concerned you probably were with him. Just ride with it. There’s no real reason to fill him in with any unnecessary details. He’s already an accessory to murder, do you really want to be a Debbie-downer and kill his buzz? Haven’t you done enough killing?

Hit the road. The Hononegah Forest Preserve is less than an hour away, which will be nice for your desperately-in-need-of-an-oil-change car. You’re going to want to head towards the mall, so…do that. Oh, now’s also a good time to mention that, even though it was never specifically stated, you probably want to have put the necessary tools in the car. Oh, and also the body. Definitely the body. Just throw it in the trunk, it won’t mind. Heading in the direction of the mall, you’ll want to get on I-39S/I-90E when you see the sign. Take the Rockton Rd exit, and just follow the signs. While driving, you might want to start cracking open them beers and get to drinking, because the last thing you’re going to want to be is sober for this next part.

Burying the body. On second thought, getting drunk before digging a six-foot-deep grave might not have been the wisest decision. However, the glass is half-full, and the silver lining here is that you’ve at least discovered another time when it is socially acceptable to drink alone – when burying a loved one that you have personally murdered.

Fuck it. Shoveling is really hard, y’know? And in all of the fun and excitement of another zany adventure, you forgot to eat dinner. So now the beer has hit you twice as hard, and this whole game of hide-and-seek is starting to get really boring. Who even goes out in the woods, anyways? No one, that’s who. At least, no one worth listening to. There’s no need to finish digging the grave, no one’s ever going to find her body, just…leave it. You’ve got a new adventure ahead of you in the form of avoiding main roads to prevent getting a DUI!

Get a passport. So you woke up to find out the body was discovered two hours ago. Big deal. Wednesdays were never really your day, anyways. Unfortunately, this guide only covers body disposal, how to get passports is another guide altogether, but we don’t have time because chances are good the police are already on their way. All you can do now is get in your car and drive as far away as you can. And I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. But it’s up to you now. Your life could depend on this. Don’t blink, don’t even blink. Blink and you’re dead. They are fast, faster than you can believe. Don’t turn your back, don’t turn away, and don’t blink.

Good luck.

A How-To Guide: The Female Orgasm

Not too long ago, I offered fellow males some insight on how to find themselves a successful relationship. Now that you’ve surely swooned a sweetheart, you’ve found yourself in a brand new predicament: Satisfaction. Luckily for you, I have even more insight to share! This guide is primarily for males. Sorry Ladies, but if you haven’t figured out how to diddle yourselves by now, this guide isn’t going to help you. In fact, this guide probably won’t do much to help anyone. If you do find yourself thinking this is helpful, do everybody a favor and report yourself to the police now.

I would like to take some time to clear the air right now – we’re going to be talking about lady parts. Now, we’re all adults here, so why don’t we act like it? Sex is a part of life, and if a phrase like lady parts makes you laugh, click away now. This is a classy guide; that’s right, pinkies up.

Classy

That being said, with the aide of this guide you’ll find yourself feeling confident when the time comes. Because the time will come, and if you’re not ready, you best be prepared to be alone for the rest of your life. I’m not saying that the ability to give an orgasm is the most important part of a relationship, but that’s exactly what I’m saying. Especially for you. You think your personality is enough to stabilize a happy relationship? No; a thousand times no. Between that and your looks, what goes on in the bedroom is your only saving grace. If you follow this step-by-step…well, Godspeed.

Scope out your location before you make your move. Are you in a public place? Then you may want to reconsider doing anything foolish. Not that this is always the case; sometimes nothing clubs the seal quite like the risk of getting caught. Parks or the beach seem great, but those places are really open, not a whole lot to conceal yourself with. Now carnivals, there’s a great public location. No one’s sober, and what happens on the tilt-a-whirl stays on the tilt-a-whirl. Ideally, you should confine yourselves to your living quarters, aiming for a bed, maybe a couch.

Set the mood. Barry Manilow playing, rose petals leading to the bed, candles to give off mood lighting, and massage oils…all great things to have her simultaneously be uncomfortable and fight the urge to laugh at you. You’re not suave enough to make any of that stuff work. To properly set the mood, you need to first turn off the lights so she doesn’t have to look directly at your face at any point and give clear directions to the bathroom to wash the shame off immediately after.

Set her up for disappointment. Let her know it has been a while or that you don’t know what you’re doing. This is the exact opposite of a turn on, but it’ll also lower her expectations by such a huge margin you’ll impress her no matter how sad things get. She might try to use a line on you, like how it doesn’t matter and that it’s the time you spend together that really matters, but it is all a lie. It’s always lies.

Removal of clothes. Nothing is more sensual than slowly undressing each other; however, now is not really the ideal time for her to find out you have no idea how a bra works. Let her take care of the clothing, you’re going to want to get under the sheets as soon as possible. By this time her eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and nothing is going to kill the mood faster or stronger than your haggard body. God, you are just the worst.

Initiate the foreplay: Kissing, fondling, try a few things to figure out what she likes and go from there. I find that whispering your deepest fears into her ear while stroking her hair works best.

Get at it: Work your way down her body, completely concealing yourself with the blankets. It’s a considerate move because now she can fantasize that it is literally anyone else attempting to satisfy her.

Which one’s the right one? Right now you’re probably pretty excited, but it’s important to keep your hormones in check and not let them get the best of you. That’s the bellybutton, you’ve got one, too. Maybe you’re familiar with it? Keep going. There ya go, that’s the one. I know there’s another one further down, but we’ll save that for another guide.

The Vagina’s Doorbell. Sometimes referred to as the clitoris; I’m not fully sure about the function of the vagina’s doorbell, but it doesn’t hurt to give it a ring. Just poke and prod around there for a while, there’s no real science to it.

The messy part.Remember that time Peter Venkman got slimed in Ghostbusters? Yeah, it’s going to be a lot like that. Depending on your method of entry, it could be exactly like that. She is the Gatekeeper, and you are the Key-Master. Try and keep your mind completely clear throughout this entire process, lest it manifests the form of whatever your imagination conjures.

It is going to look a lot like this.

Cross the streams. You really have no other choice.

Your apology: This usually doesn’t happen, how embarrassing. You’ve said it enough times that now even you are beginning to believe it, which should help sell the sincerity of your apology. Don’t feel too bad – with that fantasy she had going, she really enjoyed the drive, it was just the destination that was disappointing. So you’re one-for-two, which is still failing.

That’s all there is to it. You don’t have to follow these steps to the tee, but this guide should be a helpful jumping off point. It might seem terrifying and overwhelming at first, but that’s only because it is.

The Camera: Chapter 1

They say a picture never looks as good as beholding with the naked eye; there is a reason for that. The camera only captures the image, not the emotion. That moment is alive, breathing and teeming with feelings if one is willing to listen. The image only captures the moment – never the moment’s life. As a still, its dead. Everything in the picture is, in a sense, dead. At least, that is the best explanation I can come up with for why my camera has been capturing the images of spirits.

It wasn’t always like that, the camera. A cheap, dull-gray digital camera, I had purchased it at the last minute from the airport before a vacation I was going on; the destination irrelevant. A week later, all I had to show for the trip was an awkward farmer’s tan and the camera, containing six hundred memories. I didn’t exactly have a lot of money at the time; not that I exactly have a lot now. Or ever did. Or ever will. Going on this trip was a wish fulfillment, sure, but it also left me counting pennies and recycling aluminum cans. This is why I had decided to splurge and get the camera, I knew I could get no souvenir at that price that would be worth bringing back; this way I could immerse myself in a fleeting fantasy any time reality reared its ugly head and I felt myself suffocating.

But the pictures, the pictures were amazing. I know next to nothing when it comes to photography, yet somehow all the stars aligned themselves in my favor for the trip and I accidentally captured beauty. The temples, the mountains, the gardens, simply superb. You know what’s really interesting about the photos, though? Not one, not a single one, contains any sign of the supernatural. That actually seems pretty uninteresting, in fact as far away from interesting as one can get, but that vacation is the only time where strange things weren’t showing up in my pictures, and after you get accustomed to that it becomes a curious thing when the pictures turn out normal. Boring, almost.

After the trip, the camera stayed in my dresser drawer for nearly two years. Like I said, I’m not much of a photographer. And I spent those nearly-two years just trying to undo all of the financial damage my vacation had done, so I was hardly in a position to go anywhere worth taking a picture of. So it sat. I can’t even begin to postulate what could have caused the change without sounding like a complete dunce, except for the possibility that my sanity was finally deteriorating. And since I’m talking about my digital camera’s ability to astutely assimilate the spirit realm, yeah, it probably has.

I didn’t use the camera again until my beagle, Rowsdower, passed away. I decided he should be buried out in the wooded area where I would take him to run around. After I finished burying Rowsdower, I made a makeshift tombstone out of some of the more thicker branches I could find. I didn’t have any rope to make a cross with, I just kind of had five branches stuck in a row. I know – shitty. I took a picture of the “grave” because I knew that in not even a weeks time I wouldn’t be able to locate this spot again. This way I would have some way to both mourn and pay my respects to him.

Still, even after that day the camera sat for another month, albeit this time at my desk. It was almost like a reminder, something I knew I should get around to doing, but was in no rush to do so. Finally, I got around to uploading it to my computer. Let me tell you, the first time I opened up the picture, I almost didn’t notice anything at all. I had even gotten as far as setting the picture as my desktop wallpaper, and it was only then, only when the picture was enlarged so, that I saw something was amiss. In the distance, about ten yards away, there appeared to be a beagle. It was a pretty secluded area, I was positive I was the only one in the area at the time. But there it was, plain as day, another beagle. Looking my way.

 

To Be Continued…

Drinking Alone: When is it Okay?

This is nothing more than a rough draft.

I’m not sure if anyone was aware, but apparently there’s some sort of stigma against drinking alone; drinking alone is one of the first signs of alcoholism or something like that. The hell, right? What about the stereotype about fathers coming home from work and having a drink to unwind, or those snooty upper-class folk who have a glass of scotch in front of their fireplace? You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. I mean, if you’re finding yourself blacking out all alone in your apartment watching Futurama, you might have a problem. But getting a good buzz on? There are a few situations where there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Besides, you’re alone, who’s going to judge you?

After a Break-Up

Being dumped is generally considered a difficult time, if you have a soul. Being drunk after being dumped is considered difficult twice-fold, because you lose all inhibitions generally reserved for saving face. While it is perfectly okay to turn to someone for solace sober, none of your friends deserve the first drunk after a break up. Go at it alone as you wallow in your misery and contemplate where you went wrong (the beginning) and how you can make yourself better (you can’t).

When getting drunk after a break up, it is highly advised to stay away from Facebook. You’re going to see some vague status and completely misinterpret it, winding up even more hurt; either that, or you’re going to go clicking through all of your ex-lovers’ pictures until the laptop breaks from water damage.

What You Should Drink: Beer. You’re probably going to be going at it for a while, and going at it heavy, so aim for a light beer. You won’t even be able to taste your tears as they mix with the urine-colored liquid. Then, when you wake up in the morning in the damp sheets your bladder decided to let loose on, you’ll have something to do to distract you from the heart ache.

After a Third Shift

This doesn’t apply to people who work a third shift on the regular, although that necessarily doesn’t have to be the case. This is more for the unfortunate soul who, for one reason or the other, found themselves working a third. You’re going home as the sun is rising; why let your day end when the normal humans’ begins? This may seem counter-intuitive as you struggle to keep your eyes open on drive home, but if you have nothing to accomplish that day, why not? The drastic change in your sleep pattern already shot your day, who’s to judge you for at least making your shot day enjoyable via shots?

What You Should Drink: I only used shots because my idea of wordplay is redundancy, you probably shouldn’t actually take shots. If you’re going to have some breakfast, nothing beats a good ol’ Bloody Mary. If not, a Bloody Mary. You just can’t go wrong.

Visiting Family

This applies to any kind of family, immediate, extended, in-laws and any combination thereof. Sure, you love your family, everyone loves their family, but everybody also has those family members that are a little more difficult being around. Most of the time, this can be solved by drinking with them, but sometimes drinking with the particular members only exacerbates things. Too judgmental; can’t hold their booze; their annoying habits are amplified; or, the most annoying, they act drunk after like, one goddamn wine cooler.

What You Should Drink: Wine. It’s classy, and that will be important on the off-chance someone catches you drinking alone. Because they’ll be judging you – they’re always judging you.

Writing

“Oh I get it; he’s justifying his drunkenness by writing this article.” Wrong again, idiot. The only intoxicant involved with this article is the delirium from lack of sleep and sickness of the past three days. Anyways, alcohol is fuel for the creative mind, allowing you to think outside of the box and come up with ideas you may not have otherwise thought of. I don’t even know if any of that is true, but it sounds like it could be. And since this is more about when it is okay to drink alone and not the benefits of drinking, that is good enough.

What You Should Drink: Liquor. Scotch, Gin, Whiskey, whatever; just make sure the liquor is on the rocks. Once again, this is failsafe should anyone walk in. People just expect writers to drink the way they expect [REDACTED] to be really good at [REDACTED].

Whenever You Want

Your mistake is assuming it is black and white, when like everything else, there’s always a grey area (or Asian, Indian, whatever, if we’re talking about people). Trying to follow arbitrary rules that serve more as guidance causes you to miss out on potential adventures you never considered…

…would be deep, meaningful advice if we were talking about anything besides getting drunk alone. The only adventure you’re likely to have is evacuating the complex you nearly burned down when you forgot about the frozen pizza in the oven.

What You Should Drink: Whatever the hell you want. You clearly don’t play by the Man’s rules when it comes to drinking, how could I expect you to follow mine?

Take this advice with a grain of salt. Drinking alone, after all, is a lot like masturbating – sure, it’s fun to do every now and then, but it’s when you do it too often that you cross the threshold into addiction. And just like masturbation, some people are just going to frown upon it no matter how hilarious you spin it.

Three Horrible Tips for a Successful Relationship

This is currently nothing more than a rough draft.

There’s a reason most people don’t marry the first person they date – the excitement and freshness behind the relationship fizzle out and you get to the point where you’re doing measurements of the chest freezer to see if it’ll store the body until you can safely dispose of it deep in the woods. Or, you know, make it look like a suicide. Staying with you for so long should add credibility to the story. Relationships are a tricky and often painful process; you’re more than likely going to fail many times before you get it right. Unless you follow these following tips. Or was it the other way around? Either way, first is first…

1.) Date Your Best Friend

There’s (probably) an old Chinese proverb that goes: Don’t just marry someone you love, marry your best friend. You want to be with someone that knows every little idiosyncrasy about you; inner fears, hopes, dreams, failed dreams, and possible past felony charges. The first step of step one is looking for a girl that you can enjoy the most mundane activities with, be it folding laundry or just eating soup. You’re not just looking for someone with whom you can converse with, but for someone where words don’t even need to be exchanged to have a good time. Invite her over on a night when your roommate will be gone and pick out a generic movie for noise in the background as you chat the night away. She might not spend the night, but with the evening’s memories fresh in your mind, you’re not really sleeping alone, are you?

Now What?

You got friend-zoned, didn’t you? Of course you did, you idiot. Remember that snappy one-liner you had that she laughed so hard at, and then you two exchanged that longing, meaningful glance where you wanted to put your arm around her but didn’t? That was it. That was your one single opportunity where she forgot about you as a friend and considered something more, and you blew it. By the time you recover from the emotional blow you never took, she’ll be right by your side, saying how much she wishes her new boyfriend was a bit more like you. Just forget about her. “That way,” I mean; you can still be best friends. I guess.

2.) Lie Your Ass Off

Let’s be honest – the reason you are single is because you are a terrible human being. Riddled with bad habits, you’re ashamed to be yourself in public lest you be judged and/or possibly flogged. But that’s okay, step two of step two is coming to terms with this (step one being to fail to date your best friend). So, now that you’ve accepted you lack the charm and know-how to get into a lasting relationship, it’s time to try out a technique everyone else learned as early as middle school: bullshit. With a new girl in mind, you might want to skip that whole bringing her to your place for a movie because, since we’re on the topic, that method has never really worked for you before, has it? No, of course it hasn’t. Try going for a walk through the park or a nature trail. This reveals your sensitive side, that and you have no choice but to fall back into a conversation. A conversation built on a foundation of lies.

Now What?

Worked pretty well, eh? That’s because aside from physical appearance and the few times you let your guard down, she doesn’t know a thing about you. That’s a good thing, the only real thing making her consider a round two. For this next date, what you two do is totally up to you; however, put the brakes on the lies. She’s already interested enough, you can slowly leak your actual personality. And after a few weeks of successful dates, we can move on to…

3.) Be Yourself

Before you get too attached, you are going to want to pass the final test: Be Yourself. A personal favorite of mine is telling the truth through jest. Spill your entire heart out onto her lap, and as long as you do it with a wink and a nod the shame simply melts away. Then, later on when she learns the truth, you can simply point out the fact that you did, in fact, tell her all of this months prior. Just make sure to throw in a couple obviously-joke confessions in the mix so she doesn’t catch on. It’s perfect for both admitting and coping with truths without the embarrassment – be it how much you cried your first time or how you wrote an entire article laced with true anecdotes and passed it off as horrible advice to a Strawman. It’s also time to let out all of your hidden secrets and bad habits, you can only keep the diaper-changing fetish secret for so long before your significant other finds out. If she still accepts you after that, there’s a good chance that this will be a lasting relationship.

Now What?

What do you mean, now what? I’m not holding your hand through this entire relationship. Were you expecting some sort of actual advice that wasn’t followed by a failed punchline? Fine. If there’s one serious piece of advice I could offer, it would be: Don’t be looking for a relationship. The longer you are looking for a relationship, the greater the chance that you will settle out of fear of being alone. Instead of focusing your time on wondering why there doesn’t seem to be anyone out there for you, focus on why you have such a problem with being alone in the first place. Until you learn how to be happy with yourself, you’ll never have a happy relationship.

Then again, I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a year. So there’s also that.

No Other Reason for Posting this Aside from Being a While

808s in the eighties / 90’s brought the gun claps /2000’s ushered in an era of suburban-angst white rap /
Nerdcore / sophomore / they say rap what you know /
But it’s all same old / same old / shit’s stagnant / doesn’t grow /
Formulaic ironic gangster with some memes thrown in /
Making vague faux-deep rhymes trying to mean some-thing /
And people eat it up ‘cause cliches easier to live by /
YOLO bro, yo, can’t escape it / don’t try

Poems, by Alicia Sears (Pt. II)

My sister wrote two more poems. Enjoy:

The bully project

Why the pain and sorrow inside,

I cannot take this, I cannot hide.

Words of my wisdom, and words to the wise,

Look for a cure that I can’t yet provide.

Push, trip, laugh, kick,

All of them hurt so take your pick.

It isn’t a game, I don’t find it funny,

Being a bully isn’t so cunning.

Cuts and bruises emotional damage,

Who would’ve thought they could be so savage.

There are only victims, no one’s ever on top,

Will it ever end, when will it stop?

Some people make it, they can fight through,

Others can’t take it and it’s not just a few.

To all of the victims, raise your voice loud,

Stop the bullying, and make the others proud.

Keep your head up and don’t look down,

Even if your in the smallest little town.

The tiniest gesture can make a big deal,

And never again our lives can they steal!

—-Alicia Sears (Kerr)
11/2/12
3:19 A.M

Tears in the shower

So why do you have to go so far away?

Please baby, tell me why can’t you stay?

I’m afraid if you leave I’ll never see you again,

Please baby, please stay with me if you can.

Your duty to protect, your duty to serve,

To fight for our country and the rights we deserve.

But go be a hero and while your away,

Remember that I love you and in my heart you will stay.

Some days go by and I think of you,

It feels like a lifetime, yes this is true.

But these tears in the shower make it hard to believe,

That every-day after you’ll come back to me.

The tears in the shower tell me it’s going to rain,

For the rest of my life, I’ll be feeling this pain.

The days almost over and I’m half asleep,

There’s tears on my pillow from you leaving me.

—-Alicia Sears (Kerr)
10/31/12
8:02 P.M.

5 Things Underground Rappers Always Rap About

About a month ago, I attempted my first pitch to the comedy website, Cracked. The pitch didn’t even make it into the consideration stage of the pitching process due to it being too obvious of choices, but I thought I had a few good lines that I didn’t want to see wasted. So…here is the rough cut of an article that never was:

Much like the sharp and original observation that commercial hip hop is all about, “gang-banging, money and bitches,” you’ll notice a lot of recurring trends when listening to the lesser-known stuff. More specifically:

1.) Girl’s Just Want to Shake Their Asses
Example Lyrics: “Twice a week you put on your make-up and jam places and head to the club with your ass shakin’” Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5

Commercial music is mindless drivel for girls to shake their asses too. Being attractive females, they are clearly too stupid to think for themselves, never mind the fact that maybe they’re just unwinding after a long day. They’re sheep, and only sheep have fun. But not you, you’re a shark.

2.) What Happened to the Music, Man?
Example Lyrics: “Too much brawling and not enough hand claps / I miss the early 90’s with too much zap” People Under the Stairs – Much Too Much
”Since when did lyrical skills have to do with killin’ a cat / what type of chitterlings is that?” DangerDoom - Old School

Remember how the ’80s were a golden age for hip hop? Then the ’90s happened, also regarded as a golden age for hip hop for a new wave of listeners?  Nowadays it seems every song is just a catchy hook and what is referred to on the streets as, “candy-ass beats.” What happened to the music, man? Well, give it another decade and the past decade will be considered a golden age as well. But you don’t have a decade to build up the nostalgia, so you have no other choice but to focus solely on the pop charts. You’re the only one spitting raw and sampling soul music…as long as you have no problem ignoring the large underground hip hop scene that is more well known than you realize.

3.) Degrading Women. Wait, What?
Example Lyrics: “Girls / stop acting like you want a guy / with traits like romeo / bitch / that’s a fucking lie” Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5
“You want Romeo / you’re not worthy / you’re cock-thirsty / you’re nasty and probably have herpes” Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5
”You should get a tattoo that says warning / That’s all, just a warning / So the potential victim / Can take a left and safe breath” Atmosphere - Fuck You Lucy 

No, that can’t be right. That’s what those mainstream rappers won’t shut up about.

Not you, though. You’re all about the emotions – you love women, they are God’s gift to man. After all, you only want a woman to love and hold forever. It isn’t your fault that you’re three CD’s deep and still moaning about all the women that wronged you…they’re the sinister, devious ones that say they’re looking for a decent man yet run off the minute someone else comes along. This heartbreak continues to fester inside until you become bitter towards anything with a vulva.

4.) Their Label
   Examples: Tech N9ne, anyone from Def Jux or Rhymesayers Entertainment
”This is me / Tryin’ to do it comfortably / Lazy as hell / But I run my own company” Classified - 5th Element

FACT: Indy rappers cannot achieve erection without talking about the label they started and/or are a part of. See, it is like fam’ there, not just a bunch of sales figures like the big leagues. Don’t get it twisted, you or anyone worthy of your daps could totally be on the Top 40 Charts, you just choose to stay underground to have control over your style. You don’t bow down to the goddamn man, son.

5.) White Rappers Rap About Being White
   Example Lyrics: “At rap shows back in the days / they used to be like “hey white boy, you know where you at man?” Mac Lethal – Hammered In
“Thug love on the corner by the Walgreens / lookin’ at me like I’m just another square saltine” Atmosphere – Always Coming Back Home to You

No one has suffered more oppression, faced a bigger struggle, or overcame more difficult odds than the White Man trying to find himself in the hip hop scene. This is a tragedy continuing to this day, despite it being fucking 2012 and even those girls mentioned way at the beginning who enjoy shaking their asses can prattle off a dozen white rappers off the top of their head. Probably while shaking their asses.

Poems, by Alicia Sears

So my sister fancies herself a writer, too. Bollocks to that, I say. Or not. Either way, here are some poems she wrote and asked me to put up:

Yes it is my past

*It’s true the blood in my veins is killer,

*But that doesn’t mean I’m a cold blooded sinner.

Yes my past will haunt me forever,

I don’t think it will go away ever,

*But you shouldn’t be allowed to sit back and judge,

*For I am a kind person, I don’t hold a grudge.

Since I was small I had little friends,

For whatever reason, I guess it depends.

*I always acted as myself, never as anyone else.

*But a criminal inside me, I guess is what they felt.

I am my own person, why can’t anyone see,

The accomplishments I can make, the person I can be.

*Yes it is my past but can’t it be forgotten?

*No one could predict I would be treated so rotten.

Yes it is my past, but I am a different person,

Hoping you can see a difference will make this poem worth it.

*Yes it is my past and the future I can see,

*I will work hard to be the best person I can be.

Yes it was my past, now do me a favor.

Read this poem before judging because I’m leaving my past on paper!

-Alicia Sears—11-2-11

You Think You Know Everything

*You think you know everything,

*Apparently you can’t see.

*When or why I really cry,

*What truly destroys me.

*Take a look inside,

*Remember what you see.

*The layers of my confused heart,

*Broken and peeling free.

*Can you feel my heart beat slowing down?

*Waiting for the answers to be found.

*Can you see the smile on my face?

*Faking every little thing is in place.

*You think you know everything,

*So tell me why you can’t see.

*When or why I really cry,

*What truly destroys me.

*When you look into my eyes,

*It’s like I’m wearing a disguise.

*To show what you despise,

*And maybe soon you’ll realize.

*Take a look inside my mind,

*Remember all the things you find.

*The negativity taunting my every thought,

*Note how hard the positive fought.

*They try to quiet them,

*Or even silent them.

*Instead they taunt all around,

*Preventing silence by being loud.

*You think you know everything,

*But really you can’t see.

*You don’t look deep enough,

*To find what destroys me!

-Alicia Sears—12-5-11

Forever & Always

*I will love you for forever and always,

*Nothing’s going to tear us apart.

*The good the bad the short and the long days,

*You know you always close in my heart.

*Our kind of love is hard to find,

*Don’t ever take it too short of mind.

*Keep loving me the very best you can,

*And we can always say remember when.

*Remember the first time you told me,

*You had the desire to hold me.

*And when you brushed my hair out of my face,

*The kiss on my lips, I never can replace.

*The future lies ahead for us to find,

*But our love will always be one of a kind.

*So let’s let our love just happen now,

*Come on baby lets tell them how.

*Ill love you for forever and always,

*Nothing’s going to tear us apart.

*The good the bad the short and the long days,

*You know you’re always close in my heart.

*No matter what time or how far away,

*I know that everything will be ok.

*Because you image is there inside my head,

*And you voice, oh I never will forget.

*Our kind of love is too hard to find,

*I will never take it too shot of mind.

*I’ll keep loving you the very best I can,

*And we can always say remember when.

-Alicia Sears—4-25-12

Forty-five Years of Blissful Marriage

People have often asked me how I’ve kept my marriage alive for so many years. “You two are as in love as the first day you met,” they’ll say. “I’ve had a hard enough time keeping my girl content after the second week,” is another quip I’ve heard from the gentlemen I’ve encountered over the years. I used to come up with the most generic remarks, anything to keep them off the scent of what was really going through my mind. “Oh, when you’re truly in love, you learn to accept them at their worst and cherish them at their best,” “people change over time, you learn to accept this and change with them, because now you’re like one person.” Just about any hogwash I could think of that I thought they’d buy. Over time, I grew bored with these trite explanations. Did I love her? Of course, more than anything else in the world, but what kept the love genuine and fresh yearned to be exposed, and as I grew older in years I began to care less about the wholesome image I tried to maintain. It came to the point that eventually, after a young, recently engaged colleague of mine brought up the topic, I had to spill the truth. Looking him in the eyes, I leaned forward a bit and asked, “do you want to know? I mean, really know the truth behind my success?” He nodded, wide-eyed, engulfed in the mystique. “Well,” I said, only wishing I had a pipe at that moment to puff on, “it really is quite simple; I’ve remained happy because of one reason - I fantasize about cheating on her. Constantly. Some days, the only thing I seem to think about is the possibility of having an affair with my wife.”

I reclined back into my seat, the dumb-founded look on my colleague’s face bringing me immense satisfaction. “Well?” I postulated, after what seemed like an eternity had passed. Looking back, I figure it couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds.

His expression slowly transformed into that of a mixture of confusion and anger; a look of disdain that no amounts of hedonism will ever erase from my mind. “That’s it? That’s the advice you’re giving me to have a happy relationship? I’m getting married in two months, and you’re saying the key to success is cheating on the love of my life? Jesus…” he looked suddenly spent, as if speaking his mind had drained him of all his energy.

“I never said I went through with it. I said the fantasy of the possibility of an affair is what kept my love strong.”

“Instead of fantasizing about my wife, fantasize cheating on her?”

I nodded solemnly. “That’s right. At least, it worked for me. It started out small, like wondering what it would be like to have a fling with the secretary, right in the office. Kinky, right?” Not wanting to hear his response, I didn’t skip a beat as I continued, “but that eventually grew boring. Not enough excitement. I’m from a different generation than you, boy, some minorities were not seen as equals to us. So then the taboo started to come into play: what if I was late at the office, and the spicy Latina maid comes in to clean up and one thing leads to another? Maybe I’ll have an encounter with a fine black lady, or even one of them Asians? Hey, it could happen, right?”

The disdain on his face had turned to disgust at some point during my explanation, but I was far too excited to be getting this off my chest to have noticed when it occurred. “Whatever,” was all he could manage to muster in response as he started to get up from his chair.

“The reason it kept me happy…” I trailed off, the big dramatic pause that was to draw him back in so I could finish my story. Looking me dead in the eyes, he returned to his seat. “The reason it worked,” I continued, “was because it was only during those moments, those times of dark fantasies of adultry, that I realized I could never bring myself to do it. Any time I encountered a beautiful woman and contemplated what it would be like to make love, she’s always there. I feel guilty, dirty; hell, I feel like the biggest scum on Earth. But these feelings, the guilt and the shame, they made me realize one thing: that I am truly in love with my wife. I couldn’t even cheat on her in my fantasies, how would I ever be able to do that to her in real life? Anytime I’m upset, or frustrated with her, I fantasize about cheating on her and all the guilt brings the reasons why I chose to marry her right back to the surface. And that, my friend, is how I’ve kept my marriage so healthy and successful. What do you think about that?”

He was no longer looking at me when I finished the story, his eyes glued to the floor. Not a single word was said as he stood up from his seat and left the room. As for me? Well, truth be told, I find the whole idea surprisingly romantic.

- BK
4/5/12