This is nothing more than a rough draft.
I’m not sure if anyone was aware, but apparently there’s some sort of stigma against drinking alone; drinking alone is one of the first signs of alcoholism or something like that. The hell, right? What about the stereotype about fathers coming home from work and having a drink to unwind, or those snooty upper-class folk who have a glass of scotch in front of their fireplace? You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. I mean, if you’re finding yourself blacking out all alone in your apartment watching Futurama, you might have a problem. But getting a good buzz on? There are a few situations where there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Besides, you’re alone, who’s going to judge you?
After a Break-Up
Being dumped is generally considered a difficult time, if you have a soul. Being drunk after being dumped is considered difficult twice-fold, because you lose all inhibitions generally reserved for saving face. While it is perfectly okay to turn to someone for solace sober, none of your friends deserve the first drunk after a break up. Go at it alone as you wallow in your misery and contemplate where you went wrong (the beginning) and how you can make yourself better (you can’t).
When getting drunk after a break up, it is highly advised to stay away from Facebook. You’re going to see some vague status and completely misinterpret it, winding up even more hurt; either that, or you’re going to go clicking through all of your ex-lovers’ pictures until the laptop breaks from water damage.
What You Should Drink: Beer. You’re probably going to be going at it for a while, and going at it heavy, so aim for a light beer. You won’t even be able to taste your tears as they mix with the urine-colored liquid. Then, when you wake up in the morning in the damp sheets your bladder decided to let loose on, you’ll have something to do to distract you from the heart ache.
After a Third Shift
This doesn’t apply to people who work a third shift on the regular, although that necessarily doesn’t have to be the case. This is more for the unfortunate soul who, for one reason or the other, found themselves working a third. You’re going home as the sun is rising; why let your day end when the normal humans’ begins? This may seem counter-intuitive as you struggle to keep your eyes open on drive home, but if you have nothing to accomplish that day, why not? The drastic change in your sleep pattern already shot your day, who’s to judge you for at least making your shot day enjoyable via shots?
What You Should Drink: I only used shots because my idea of wordplay is redundancy, you probably shouldn’t actually take shots. If you’re going to have some breakfast, nothing beats a good ol’ Bloody Mary. If not, a Bloody Mary. You just can’t go wrong.
This applies to any kind of family, immediate, extended, in-laws and any combination thereof. Sure, you love your family, everyone loves their family, but everybody also has those family members that are a little more difficult being around. Most of the time, this can be solved by drinking with them, but sometimes drinking with the particular members only exacerbates things. Too judgmental; can’t hold their booze; their annoying habits are amplified; or, the most annoying, they act drunk after like, one goddamn wine cooler.
What You Should Drink: Wine. It’s classy, and that will be important on the off-chance someone catches you drinking alone. Because they’ll be judging you – they’re always judging you.
“Oh I get it; he’s justifying his drunkenness by writing this article.” Wrong again, idiot. The only intoxicant involved with this article is the delirium from lack of sleep and sickness of the past three days. Anyways, alcohol is fuel for the creative mind, allowing you to think outside of the box and come up with ideas you may not have otherwise thought of. I don’t even know if any of that is true, but it sounds like it could be. And since this is more about when it is okay to drink alone and not the benefits of drinking, that is good enough.
What You Should Drink: Liquor. Scotch, Gin, Whiskey, whatever; just make sure the liquor is on the rocks. Once again, this is failsafe should anyone walk in. People just expect writers to drink the way they expect [REDACTED] to be really good at [REDACTED].
Whenever You Want
Your mistake is assuming it is black and white, when like everything else, there’s always a grey area (or Asian, Indian, whatever, if we’re talking about people). Trying to follow arbitrary rules that serve more as guidance causes you to miss out on potential adventures you never considered…
…would be deep, meaningful advice if we were talking about anything besides getting drunk alone. The only adventure you’re likely to have is evacuating the complex you nearly burned down when you forgot about the frozen pizza in the oven.
What You Should Drink: Whatever the hell you want. You clearly don’t play by the Man’s rules when it comes to drinking, how could I expect you to follow mine?
Take this advice with a grain of salt. Drinking alone, after all, is a lot like masturbating – sure, it’s fun to do every now and then, but it’s when you do it too often that you cross the threshold into addiction. And just like masturbation, some people are just going to frown upon it no matter how hilarious you spin it.